It’s starting. The onset of that thing called “adulthood”. I mean the interviews were a wake-up call, but the reference check today really hit hard. I keep saying I’m excited, and ready to get out of here, but with each step closer, I wonder if I’m really ready at all. My VocCoun professor would tell me I have incongruent affective career maturity due to being undifferentiated in my personal interests. (She’d be so proud if she actually read this!) – but in human terms, it means I have an issue with the emotional aspects of making career related decisions because I’m torn between the things I want in life. Now, the fact that I’m now fluent in VocCoun theory, you’d think I’d know how to fix this… Easier said than done. The problem is I do know the clinical diagnoses and its not as simple as one would think.
I’m not sure its the idea of starting a new job that scares me anymore, I think it’s the realization that I might really, truly move away from everything I’ve known all my life and my whole future may be about to take a drastic turn.
I’ve not really been much of long-term planner since I’ve been so screwed over in the past, but one thing has always been in the books… I’d finally graduate and then move back toward home to be with my real family. It didn’t matter exactly where or which school as long as I was back with them. But somewhere along the way, someone convinced me to have a backup plan… and knowing again how often luck has not been in my favor, I made a backup plan that consisted of going far from my original plan, and somehow… the back up plan seems to be sneaking into the spotlight.
I even found myself putting a distance between me and all concepts of home to see if I can manage without. I didn’t go home for Spring Break when I could have, I’m not going to the bachelorette party, I’m only going home for Easter because its Bruce’s one-year memorial … I just dont want what I feel will be an inevitable decision to move to be any harder… I dont want anymore reasons to stay if I know I cant, or shouldnt… same reasons I purposely haven’t talked to certain people at home, i know if I get hooked Ill never be able to leave them, yet somehow I doubt its mutual feeling. But then there’s part of me that thinks, if Im really going to move, shouldnt I take advantage of this time? Go home as often as possible, spend as much time as possible with those Ill leave behind, talk to them all I can before I go? Who knows…
Just yesterday it seemed I had all the time in the world to make these decisions, now the hour glass is running thin and I still don’t know what I want. Perpetually indecisive.
“And everything stands so still when you dance, everything spins so fast, and the nights in a paper cup, when you want it to last.”
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