This is, in my opinion the best thing I have ever written. Warning before hand it is as dark as it get’s and contains disturbing looks into the minds of individuals most would rather deny the existence of. This will be my first podcast, done in two parts when I get a little more stable and get my hands on better sound equipment. My current rca dvr is good enough for me to use to do interviews for the artstreet blog but that’s because I’m the only one who has to listen to them. Enough jabbering.
The Breaking Point
Rebecca hissed from the initial sting as she drew the razor across her flesh and braced for the pain to come. She reflected on the path that led her to this point. Of finding comfort in hurting herself, in controlling her own pain.
For the bulk of her life she had been a punching bag and sexual plaything for step-dads and boyfriends. The low watermark came her freshman year in high school at a party after the homecoming game.
*
Rebecca and her boyfriend showed up late. There weren’t many people around so he led her to a room upstairs, cooing about the surprise he had for her. She sighed and thought of how much all guys were alike. If they weren’t moping or raising hell, they were horny, and each thought he was God’s gift.
She didn’t notice anyone in the room until the door swung shut and the lights snapped on. There were several boys in the room leering at her.
“I’m not putting on a show for these people, Seth.” Panic flared.
“You are the show, babe. You don’t have to do anything.”
Rebecca had the wind knocked out of her as two of the boys pinned her to the floor and her lips were smashed as a gag was tied in place to quiet her screams.
*
The pain of the past blended with the pain of the present as she dug a finger into the cut, recalling the beating she received. The endless parade of faces looming over her.
Her leg began quivering. The agony grew as her nail pierced deeper, blotting the images from her mind. It peaked, breaking through her self-control and she cried out.
Catching herself, she grabbed a towel and covered her legs in case her roommates came charging in. She thought about the pointless scolding and threats to have her shoved into some godforsaken mental hospital.
Nobody understood. How could they, with their mundane lives of simple worries and sheltered pleasures? Most people had never experienced the evil ugliness of the world. They’d never had to feel the power of controlling their own pain. They wanted to take even that bit of control away, “for her own good.” How could anyone with the power to take away someone’s only solace know what kind of powerlessness they’d be inflicting?
*
April entered to a familiar scene, Rebecca sitting up in bed, flushed and teary eyed, noting a big drop of blood on the carpet. This dwindling spiral she’d been watching spoke volumes about a brutal past that April already knew.
“You wanna talk?” She asked.
Rebecca stretched, feigning a yawn. “I just had a bad dream. I’m fine.”
April fought down her anger. “Get yourself cleaned up and come out to the living room. We need to talk.” She turned and stalked off. She knew that her friend wouldn’t get therapy. Who could blame her considering who she was stuck with after the rape?
She felt that the therapist who took advantage of her friend was just as sick as those thugs at the party were. She understood Rebecca’s hatred but couldn’t watch the girl destroy herself any more. She’d made the decision, this was simply the catalyst. She had to think of herself after all. Didn’t she?
At least Nat isn’t here to complicate things. April heard the shower cut off and composed her thoughts as her friend entered the room clad in only a towel.
*
“You know I won’t go to a psych ward.” Rebecca barked.
“I know. I’m not going to ask you to. You want a beer?”
The younger girl flopped into a chair. “No thanks, I’m not in much of a drinking mood.” She could feel the resentment building up as she wondered what her roommate was going to try this time.
“That’s fine. Like I said, I won’t ask you to get therapy. But I can’t watch you do this crap anymore. I can’t…” She took a deep breath. Short and sweet, girl. “Maybe it would be better if you found somewhere else to stay.”
“You’re kicking me out? Just like that? Out of everybody,” She sobbed. “I never expected you to abandon me. You know I can’t go back to those people.”
“I’m sorry that you see it that way, but I can’t see this… This shit anymore.” In tears, she gestured to the bloody weal on Rebecca’s thigh.
“When I let you… When I agreed to help you it was with the understanding that you were going to stop this. You said that you were going to stay away from these abusive thugs. That’s what makes you do this. Don’t you see?”
“Richard’s not like that.”
“The hell he isn’t! Do I need to state examples? If you want to drive yourself crazy I can’t stop you but I can’t watch it any more either. I just can’t.”
“So that’s it?” Rebecca felt defeated.
“It has to be. You can stay until you find somewhere to go as long as you’re looking.”
*
Richard squashed his annoyance as he listened to Rebecca’s whining. He knew it would be hard to get rid of her if he let her to move in but knew the advantages too.
Working her full time would be easier without those meddling cunts around and would increase his revenue. He could never tell her that of course. The girls had to be put in check often enough without giving any of them an excuse to get uppity.
“…And I figured that since I’ve been” She cast her eyes to the floor, “helping you, I could maybe stay here for a while?”
“Shit, Becky. All you have to do is lay back and enjoy.” He laughed as she winced. The girls acted like they were doing hard labor or something. All they had to do was lay on their backs for a couple of minutes while some desperate mark busted a nut. It wasn’t even like they had to walk the streets. He got the clients. He supplied the rooms and dope. He made sure the tricks paid up. Hell, he even made the girls eat properly. It was a pain trying to keep them happy.
“But you have helped some, so I guess you can stay for now.”
“Oh, thank you so much, Ricky. I’ll get my things in the morning.” She got up and kissed him. “I really appreciate this.”
He pushed her aside and stood. “I’ll be busy tonight.” He tossed her a key. “Get your stuff now so we don’t have to fuck with those bitches anymore.” He left, confident that the girl would have her things put away before he got back.
*
Rebecca made her way into the kitchen hoping to find something to eat. In the fridge was part of a twelve pack, a bottle of citrus wine and three pizza boxes; two were empty and the other held stale air and one moldy slice. Groaning, she grabbed the wine and picked up the phone to call her roommates, hoping that someone was home.
“Hi Nat, you gonna be there for a while?”
She was hit with a barrage of questions. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there in a few. We’ll talk about it then… Yeah sure, bye.”
She tasted the vinegary wine and tossed it into the trash on her way out. Twenty minutes later she arrived at her old house for the last time.
*
“So what’s going on? Why are you moving all the sudden?” Natalie was in her regular mood, too enthusiastic about everything.
“I, um…” Rebecca hadn’t thought about what to say to her friend, only knowing that she couldn’t tell her the truth. “Richard asked me to move in with him. I think we might be getting serious.” She smiled.
“That shit!” Natalie wrinkled her nose as she came from the kitchen, a beer in each hand. “I thought that you were through with trash like that.”
“He’s not that bad.”
“Not that bad! You’re talking to the one who picks up the pieces, girl! Hell, the only reason nobody called the cops or shot him last time is because you said you’d drop the bastard. Do you like being shit on? ‘Cause that’s what he does you know. I even heard that he’s a pimp.”
Rebecca came up short. Could she know? If April said anything she’d kill the gossiping… But then, she’d never told anybody that.
“Where’d you hear that?”
“Up at Lobo’s. Tard says that’s why Danny kicked him out. Said he was running three of ‘em on the weekends. They were doing it right out in that ratty van of his.” She paused, clearly enjoying herself.
“Tard says that Danny woulda let him alone if he’d just pay like the dealers do. I betcha he wants to pimp you out too.”
“He wouldn’t do anything like that.” Rebecca felt a knot building in her gut.
“Sure girl, keep telling yourself that. You might even believe it someday.”
“Yeah, well, anyway, I’ve got to get my things. I don’t know when Richard will be back and I want to have everything put away by then.”
“Hey fuck Richard! He’ll be gone all night and you know it. Let’s go out. You don’t want to be cooped up in that rat hole all night. It’s Friday, and I want to talk to you anyways.”
“But you don’t…” She caught herself. “To hell with it. We’ll call it a going away party.” After a quick meal they headed for their favorite nightclub.
*
Richard was milling around, doing good business. He had all of his regular girls working while he and Billy distributed their other goods. They met up at the bar.
“So what you done so far?” Richard asked
“Shit man, you’re gonna have to re-up. These trick motherfuckers are buying up everything I got, chasin’ that high end pussy.”
“Ha, and when the sorry bitches strike out anyway, we can help ‘em. Squeeze the fuckers for everything they got.”
“Yeah, nobody likes comin’ home to a big ol’ hairy pair of blue balls. You’re a regular public fuckin’ servant.” Billy laughed. “Anyhoo, here’s my cash; I’m down to one teener. Oh, and some guys want some bud. I ain’t seen anybody so I said we’d grab some when you re-up.”
“Q.P. be enough?” Richard thumbed through the wad Billy had handed over. “Damn! You been hittin’ motherfuckers over the head ain’t you.”
“Yeah, that’ll be plenty. They want a zip I think” He shrugged. “Chintzy bitches wanna nickel and dime me they get what they get.”
“Sure. Well, grab a beer and don’t get taken in by all this tail.” He patted his lieutenant on the shoulder.
“Fuck! Bill, turn around. Ain’t that Becky and one of her little yuppie friends?” He left Billy and bulldozed his way to the girls.
*
“Oh shit, there’s Richard. Why did I let you talk me into this? I knew it was a bad idea.”
“Chill. He won’t try anything here.” April began leading her friend deeper into the crowd, glancing over her shoulder at the two muscular bouncers and smiling as she pictured them beating the shit out of the rat.
*
Richard met the girls on the dance floor. He grabbed Rebecca, throwing her off balance. Natalie shrieked and began swinging her fists wildly before getting knocked to the floor. The bouncers charged into the fray, tossing the girls out of the way, and dragged Richard off, fighting and cursing.
*
Billy watched, frozen, but the bouncers got him moving. He crept behind one and smashed the butt of his .38 snubby into the base of the man’s neck. The bouncer whirled in rage. Stumbling away, Billy fired three rounds. His first shot went wild but his next hit the man in the throat and the third caught him just below his eye socket, spraying the crowd with brain and bone.
The sound of gunfire pushed the crowd over the edge. Panic-stricken drunks trampled each other, running from one blocked exit to another. Billy grabbed his boss and darted off into the night.
*
“You see what comes of shit heads like that? Those psycho fucks could’ve shot us! I can’t deal with this cops and robbers bullshit.” Natalie stomped on the gas while Rebecca lay crumpled in the back seat, sobbing.
Natalie’s anger cooled and she redirected it to the psycho who shot the doorman and all monsters like him. Although the two never talked about it, she knew that Rebecca had some pretty terrible things lurking in her past.
In bits and pieces, Natalie had learned about the rape and the therapist. Crap like that had to play a part in her lack of taste but it seemed to go deeper. Rebecca’s boyfriends didn’t have that everyday bad boy vibe that some girls were attracted to. They had a shadier, more sinister quality, and Richard was the worst yet. She pulled up to the house and lugged Rebecca off to bed, thinking about him.
*
Little Becky floated through a dreamscape. Her mind was bathed in comforting images and a sense of well being. This was her place. Her own special world; where none of the evil angry things could reach. She came here whenever she was sad or hungry or lonely. It was the place she went when mommy didn’t come home or when mommy’s friends wanted to play.
She basked in her dream world, oblivious to pain or worry, to the past or the present, completely apart from everything. The images flowed through and past her, imparting their comfort, and she thought of how she hadn’t been here since she started getting high, chasing the ghost of this heavenly oasis.
The images took a dark turn, twisting her wonderland into a nightmare of deranged emotions and sights. The brutal memories of the past, which plagued her waking hours, cascaded in on her. A never-ending parade of victimizers marched past, their hateful crimes written into every crag and shadow. The past buried her, crushing her spirit. She stirred as the assault continued.
*
She was awakened by the sun, still in agony from last night’s psychic and physical violence. She yawned, boiling off some of the nightmare’s energy, and stretched her sleep-deadened limbs. Getting up to take a shower, she heard her roommates arguing.
*
Natalie pounced with a flood of information and questions. Rebecca shook her head, catching only fragments. “…And April says they haven’t caught them yet… nobody knows anything about him or… where Richard’s house is though, so we’re calling the cops.” Natalie paused. “Don’t worry about a thing, the cops’ll take care of us. But we still don’t know who the other guy is.”
Rebecca was only vaguely aware of what was being said but noticed both women looking at her. “What was that?”
“Who shot the doorman?” Natalie enunciated.
“You don’t have to talk to me like I’m an idiot. Just repeat the question. You’re a lot to handle right when I first wake up.”
“God, you grumpy bitch, do you know who he is or not?”
“I don’t know any of Richards friends. I didn’t really see him anyway. In case you didn’t notice I was kind of busy getting the shit beat out of me and running for my life.”
“Shit!” April said “At least we know where Richard lives. We can tell the cops what we know about him.”
“Can’t you guys do this without me? I mean you know as much as I do. Why do I have to be involved?”
“We’d never be involved with these sick fuckers if it wasn’t for you, and you’re the one who got attacked!” Natalie said. “Besides, the cops are already on their way so you can’t puss out.”
“She’s right Becky; it’s not just about you, this time somebody died. Don’t you see? They killed that guy and he was trying to help you.”
Rebecca looked at them. “I don’t like it. What if they’re not caught and find out what we did or even worse, what if they get caught and beat the charges? They’d kill us!”
“Don’t worry about that. Just tell the cops what you know and let them do their jobs.” April ordered.
Rebecca groaned. “Can I get a beer? This is fucked and it might make things easier.”
*
“You sure?”Cause I don’t give a fuck! I’m not catching a murder rap because your head is too far up some skinny cunt’s pussy to think straight.” It had been raging all night. Billy refused to go near Richard’s place and they’d spent all night in Billy’s cramped studio.
“I told you. She doesn’t even know you. She don’t even know my address. I keep that bitch too fucked up. Otherwise she’d just whine and complain like any other bitch.”
“She doesn’t need the address if she can show the cops where it’s at.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! You ain’t the onliest thing there is. I don’t talk with my hoes! What the fuck is wrong with you?” He was growing tired of the whole junkie mentality. He longed for the day when he could be set like Pablo Escobar. Away from the hustle and struggle. So powerful that only the U.S. fucking military could take him. “You gonna’ pay for that dope?”
“I saved your ass you chintzy nigger!”
“I told you to watch that shit. Most brothers would have your ass talkin’ shit like that.”
“Fuck ‘em; they don’t know how valuable a mouthy little honky like me is. And it ain’t other brothers I’m talking to, this is me and you, fucker, and you’d be in an interrogation room getting the black beat off of you if it weren’t for good ol’ Billy boy. You fuckin’ know I’m right no matter how much your chintzy soul cringes at the thought of giving another motherfucker his due.”
“Saved my ass? Man shit, I’ve kept clean for years and you get me tied in to a fuckin’ murder. You want me to thank you? What the fuck’s wrong with your mind? I lost some prime territory because of you. I haven’t even mentioned it; just part of dealing with junkies. Now you want to call me a chintzy nigger ’cause I want you to pay for the stuff you smoke up tryin’ to calm down after playing superfiend? Fuck you.”
“You ungrateful, jigaboo motherfuck! What, you gonna snitch me out now or something? Fuck you.” He whipped out the pistol and stuck it in Richard’s face. “I’ll kill you and that bitch so just plant your ass boy.”
Richard raised his hands. “Chill man, chill. They been tryin to pinch me since I was a kid. You could make a full confession, with evidence, but if my name comes up, they’ll try to pin it on me. Look, Billy, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll kill the bitches myself. She wasn’t a great earner or anything. Thought she was my girlfriend even while I was pimping her.” He gave an uneasy laugh.
Billy lowered the pistol. “She really thought that she was your… Shit man where do you find these stupid hoes?”
“I don’t find them. They usually just come along after their daddies get through with them.”
The situation had cooled off as quickly as it had flared up. Richard had come to expect this as part of the job. Natural law. Staying up for a week will wear on anyone. Just swallow your pride and cool them off. They could always be dealt with later.
“We cool? I’m serious man. I can replace Becky. And those other two… I’d be happy to pull the trigger.”
“I wanna fuck the little one. I’ll break her neck when I cum.” Billy giggled.
Richard shuddered as the guy showed just how sick he was. He’d have to deal with him soon or be forced to watch that scene. Though no stranger to violence, he was leery of those who took such joy in it. A psychotic little gremlin like Billy was apt to turn on you at any time, even without drugs.
“Let’s cross that bridge when we get there. Right now I wanna get something to eat. We can check the girls on our way back.”
*
“Ma’am, we just don’t have that kind of manpower. There hasn’t even been a threat. I can’t justify it.” Officer Miller struggled to keep his cool. These women are scared, and judging from what dispatch had said, the danger was real. This guy had people everywhere and a Teflon lawyer.
“You just want them to kill us too so it’ll grab bigger headlines.” Natalie had been the antagonist. April just sat back in disgust. Rebecca had retreated to her room at the first opportunity.
The cop sighed. It was all too common; people demanded protection then treated those sworn to do it with contempt. He shook his head and began explaining again, hoping for some kind of understanding.
*
“See, I told you them bitches were goin’ to the cops but no, you know your hoes don’t you! She’s skeered of her own shadow. Those two can’t get her to talk. Bitch I knew your head was too far up that hoes twat.” From the time they saw the prowler Billy had gone into fit of contemptuous glee.
“I’m sick of your naggy bullshit.” Richard stomped on the brake, sending Billy headfirst into the dash. “Where’s your gun now you twisted fuck?” He grabbed a fistful of the man’s hair and beat his face into the unyielding plastic. “I could be sleeping right now. But no, you gotta go apeshit and lose me a fine ho, the territory to work her and force me on the lam cause you think killing some fool bouncer is help?” He lifted and looked into the man’s ruined face.
“Pull a fucking piece on me and call me a snitch? I oughtta kill you.” He reached across to open the door and pushed Billy out with one foot. He lay in a heap as Richard sped away in a tire squealing fury.
*
“Hey mister. Who kicked your ass?” The man lay there framed by flies and blood.
Billy groaned as he rolled over, blinking. Encouraged, his young interrogator redoubled his efforts.
“Man, I’ve had my ass kicked before but damn. How many jumped you?”
“Where the fuck am I?”
“You’re in the middle of the street.” The boy smiled. “This is Eighth Street and over there is the hospital but you’ll see that soon enough. Momma just called an ambulance.”
Billy got to his feet, dogged by the youth.
“I saw ‘em dump you. What set was it?”
“Do you have a bike kid?” He was unsure of his balance but he had to get away.
“You’re pretty fucked up man; you gotta see a doctor and make out a police report.”
“I don’t fuck with cops.”
“Oh…”
A cunning grin spread across the boy’s face. “You can’t use my bike but you see that yellow house down there? That’s Dickey and Wilbur’s, see the bikes?” He glanced at Billy. “They ain’t home so nobody will stop you from taking one of theirs. They’re bitches anyway.”
They stood on the dead lawn examining the bicycles. Billy smiled, turning to his companion. “Which one is Dickey’s?”
*
Billy reset his nose as best he could and cleaned up. He checked around the apartment, making sure nobody had been there. You never knew what the pigs would try. After he assured himself that he was safe, he poured a numbing drink before going down to the payphone to call a ride.
In the dim tavern, awaiting his ride, Billy worked himself into a rage. Richard had always come off as such a pro. He had a reputation as a hard operator, and that girl did seem pretty mousy. It had to be some kind of conspiracy. They were closing in on him. A gun couldn’t make a living any more, between the pigs and yellow-bellied snitches, why he trusted anybody was a mystery.
So be it, he thought, it’ll be fun killing those bitches. Then I can deal with that two faced, sucker punching pig. He’d show the Authorities. He’d seen through their cover. Now it was time for retribution.
*
Rebecca locked herself in her room as soon as she finished with the cops. Turmoil and tension overwhelmed her as she thought about how her friends had betrayed her.
It went against everything to go to the police. It simply wasn’t done. They were the enemy. And the added stress of knowing that the guys would come after her and her friends added to the unbearable tension screaming for release. She pictured her friends lying dead at the hands of her lover or even worse, that other one. She felt a brief tingle thinking of a man so decisive and brutal. No hesitation.
She refused to eat or talk. Tortured by guilt, she needed to release all of her pent up rage. She picked up a razor and focused, watching the pain flow out in a cleansing flood. She smiled at the thought of Richard getting her roommates.
That plunged her deeper. How could she think such things? It was hateful! She began seeing herself on both sides of her visualized atrocities, committing and being subjected to the most heinous acts her fevered psyche could conjure.
*
“You really think that’s what she’s in there doing?” Natalie asked. She stood outside the door trying to digest what April had said. “Rebecca just doesn’t seem the type… I mean, cutting’s for those freaky Goth chicks and whiney, poetry types. She gets down but everyone does, and Becky has more reason than most.”
“That’s why she left. I told her to last time that I caught her. You know she won’t go back into therapy and I just couldn’t watch it anymore. She knows how fucked up it is and she still does it. I just couldn’t take it.”
“You dumb fucking… Ugghh! That’s why she went back to that pimp. April, we’ve got to help even if she hates us. That could have been us getting blown to hell last night.”
“You knew that Richard was…”
“Of course I did! I thought that was how she was hurting herself. I was trying to wean her onto something less… For Christ’s sake! Open the door before she opens a vein.” April pulled the hinge pins and the girls rushed in.
Rebecca lay sprawled across the bed, sobbing gently. A gory lesion marked her thigh and she clutched a razor in one hand.
“Oh Becky.” Natalie sighed.
*
Through a fog of pain, Rebecca became aware of others in the room. A miserable certainty that Richard and his friend were standing over her.
Swimming up out of the murk, one thought kept repeating itself. Pain was life. To suffer was to survive. The sense of doom stayed when she opened her eyes.
She felt a surge of indignation. She didn’t need their pity. They wouldn’t be so compassionate if they knew the thoughts she’d had. Yet there they were, looking at her like a puppy that was too ugly to really be cute.
“We’re calling a doctor.” April’s face was stern.
“I’m…” She looked down, noticing the stickiness of the mattress. “Shit.”
Pulling herself into a sitting position was agony. Her wound, freshly reopened, screamed, filling her with pain. “Help me into the shower?”
Natalie helped her while April went to phone. She was stopped by a knock at the door, she tried to ignore it but it came again, more demanding.
“Who’s there?”
“Detective Burroughs ma’am. I just need to clarify a couple of points regarding your report.”
She unlocked the door thinking it odd that a detective would show up unannounced instead of calling. She decided to say so when the door burst open and a man entered. He was drunk, swaying on his feet, and he looked like he’d been in a riot. She tried to scream but was silenced as a something connected with her jaw.
*
“Well, looky here. I hit the fucking jackpot.” Billy’s face was alight with blood lust. “The fuck happened to her leg?”
Natalie started for him but Billy gestured her away with his pistol.
“How did you get in here?”
Ignoring her, Billy ordered them into April’s bedroom. April was bound to a bedpost by duct tape. Her jaw was purple and so swollen that it distorted her features into a drooling mask. Her clothes had been ripped off and lay in tatters on the floor.
“Leave her there.” Billy ordered.
Natalie did, reluctantly.
“Am I gonna have to knock you out too?” Billy asked, following Rebecca’s gaze.
Natalie cringed as he approached but held her ground. He forced a whiskey-flavored kiss into her mouth and she let herself be pawed while looking a weapon, a look in the other direction, anything that might help.
As if sensing her intentions, Billy stepped back, pocketing the revolver. “On the bed.” He began binding her wrists and her resolve broke. She grabbed a lamp off of the nightstand and swung it at his head. He caught it on his shoulder and used the force in a head butt that crushed her nose. Natalie groaned and dropped the lamp.
“I couldn’t have expected less.” Billy grinned. “Now we can have some real fun.”
*
Rebecca watched the scene through a haze of fear. She reflected on her situation, seeing that she had caused it. Images and statements flashed through her mind. April, resigned and exasperated, telling her that she couldn’t watch her mutilate herself. Therapists droning while she used her hatred to tune them out without hearing if they had anything to say. Natalie, trashing her boyfriends.
“Oh god what am I doing?” She whimpered, watching her friend get raped a scant six feet away.
Crawling to the side of the bed, she grabbed the gun. A hand snatched her hair. She felt a sickening rip as she pulled free. Her scalp was throbbing like mad and she felt blood run down her face. She put the pain out of her mind and punched her gunned fist into the rapist’s belly, firing twice. He staggered back.
Rebecca looked into his face and was awash in vengeful wrath. With a shrill war cry she emptied the pistol and rushed him, beating with both fists and screaming incoherently. In a few minutes she had calmed enough to help free her companions. April was still unconscious as Rebecca’s fury died and guilt took over full force.
“This is all my fault.” She wailed.
Natalie held the girl, trying to calm her as sirens approached, summoned by the gunfire.
The breaking Point by Joey Goss is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.
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